Testimony Part 2

So I ended last time with my step-father passing away and my step-brother leaving and me thinking my life was going to improve. Well WRONG!!!

My mother, sister and I moved into an apartment on our own. My mother really never did much around the house it was left to me to run the household and take care of my sister. She was always out with her single friends and at bars. That is when I started spiraling down even farther. I found the alcohol in the closet and would drink it when she was not around and replace it with water. She never had a clue I was drinking. That is also the time I started smoking behind her back. She was never home so she never knew. I was in the 7th/8th grade. I look back now and go wow why would I do something like that but my life was hell and that was my escape. During this time was when my mother started verbally abusing me and even at times hitting me. As if my life was not messed up enough she added to it.

Because of my history of sexual abuse, I thought that in my warped mind that the only way I could find love was if I slept with guys, so my promiscuity started. I am embarrassed to say that but it is the truth. So I struggled with life and all its ups and downs all the way through high school.

When I was a junior I met my current husband. He was just a sophomore. In a way I believe that God sent him into my life in order to save me because by the time I met him I was extremely suicidal. I eventually revealed all my baggage to him and he still loved me know matter what my past was. I was still warped in the mind but I had found someone who loved me for me and not for what I could do for him.

My senior year in high school I got pregnant. I expected him to leave me but he stuck right by me. We were not allowed to get married at the time because he was still in high school and we both needed to grow up a lot. So we raised our daughter while living apart. It was difficult.

When our daughter was a year and half we decided to get married. That was really tough. We both were going to school, working full time and trying to raise her. The first 5 years of our marriage was horrendous. We fought constantly. I honestly do not know how we made it.

At that time we were living in Amarillo and my husband was working as a police officer. His best friend and his wife lived in Amarillo as well. The invited us one night to a church revival. Mind you I really did not want to go but we went because of their invitation. It was a very interesting revival they had actors their who reenacted some of the stories from the Bible. At the end of the night the pastor asked us all to get on our knees and face the pew and pray. I reluctantly did as we were asked. As I sat there on my knees I felt a peace and calm as I have never felt before and it was like someone had their hand on my shoulder. It was the most moving experience and confusing experience of my life. I did not mention this to anyone at the time and we immediately the next day left for Midland to see my husband's family. Over the weekend I kept feeling this tugging inside as if someone was trying to get my attention, so I decided when I got back I would make and appointment and see my husband's best friend who just happened to be an intern youth pastor at the church we attended.

When I met with him and told him what I was feeling, he said he felt that it was God trying to get my attention. We visited for a while and then I really felt like I was to take the step to accept Christ as my Savior. This dear friend led me to the Lord on that day. Then my husband rededicated his life and we were baptized together the next week by our best friend.

From this point forward my life and my husband's life changed dramatically. Our marriage made a dramatic turn for the better and we have now been married almost 19 years. I can say now that I know I am loved by God and he has been with me the entire time, through the good and the bad. I still struggle some with my past but I know and believe that my sins are forgiven. I know that I am not to blame for my past and that I did nothing wrong. I also forgive those who hurt me.

So there is my story.

Testimony Pt 1

A couple of days ago while visiting with a new friend we ended up visiting about my life and the things that had transpired while growing up. By the time the conversation came to an end I had shared my entire testimony. Needless to say it was a very long story. After a few minutes she looked at me and very gently asked me if I would ever be willing to share my testimony on a bigger scale. I looked at her and very seriously said NO! My testimony is something that I will very rarely share with anyone. The reason being I tend to come across people who end up judging me instead of looking at how far God has taken me in my life. I also don't like to share my story because it makes me feel prideful. Thirdly I really don't like to share my story because for me it is nothing special. I don't see it as anything earth shattering. But when I do share it with the people I trust they are amazed that I have come as far as I have come and the hurdles I have had to jump through life.

So with all that being said I have decided to share my story or at least write it all down. I am truly scared to do this but it has been all I can think about since I visited with my friend. So I am taking that as I am supposed to share my story.

I will be sharing my testimony in parts as it is fairly long and I don't have much time to sit and type. Please be patient with me as I begin to share.

I was born December 16, 1971 to Ernie and Sharon Wiggins(Miller). My father had only been home from Vietnam for about a year. My father was struggling with issues from the war and really did not want children at the time but my mother did, so she took matters into her own hands. The marriage lasted until I was around 1 years of age at which time they divorced. My mother then remarried a man by the name of Roger Miller. I was around 2 or 3. He had 3 children from another marriage. Whenever I was 6 years of age my half sister was born. From the time I was 8 my life became hell. My step-fathers oldest son came to live with us and that is when the nightmare begin. No one ever knew what went on but until the summer of my 7th grade year I was sexually molested by my step-brother. Also since the time of my sisters birth my mother treated me like dirt. My sister was her favorite and she was not afraid for me to know it. I was constantly yelled at, hit, spanked for the slightest things and even things I never did.

The summer before my 7th grade year my step-father died. He had had an accident in the oilfield many years before and was permanently disabled from a back injury. He could not work. Well that spring he got really ill with pneumonia and battled it all spring. On the night that he died I specifically remember my mother yelling at him and throwing his pills at him telling him that she did not care whether he lived or died. She did this because he was so sick he could not hardly hold his head up to take his medication. Sometime during the night he got up and overdosed on his medications. I remember waking up and hearing my mother screaming and seeing her sitting on his chest doing chest compressions. That is the morning that he died. I thought that from there on out my life might improve but boy was I wrong.

That is all for now. I will continue my story tomorrow.

New Blog Design

I am attempting to find a new blog design but it seems to be harder than I thought, especially since I really don't know what I am doing. Let's see how this looks.

WHY?

Why is it that I can't seem to make anyone happy anymore?

I have lost my daughter.

I can't seem to do anything to make my husband happy anymore.

I am a failure at being a wife, mother, friend, christian, daughter, sister, granddaughter, and even a human being.

I am so very tired!!

Falling

The events of the past week have broken me so far down I feel as if I am falling and there is nothing to grasp onto. I am desperately trying to hold onto my Father but it seems as if I am slipping further and further away into the abyss. I know that God has everything in control. I know that he had this written even while she was in my womb. I know he is sovereign. I know He is with her and protecting her. But for some reason it is just not comforting me all the time. There for a while I would be able to function and rest in his peace for a little bit at a time but those times are getting less and less. I just don't understand. I haven't stopped praying and I haven't stopped believing so why am I falling.

I thought that if I just knew she was okay I would be able to go on. Then we heard she was okay but that didn't help. Then I thought if she just made contact with her dad that I would be okay but that didn't help. Then I thought if I heard her voice myself and she told me she was safe and okay that would help but that has seemed to make it worse. She told me she was fine and with someone safe but that she was not coming home. How can a child that you raised and poured you heart and soul into and loved more than you have ever loved anyone except for God and your husband just turn her back on you. The pain is completely unbearable. I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I sit and watch Greg and he seems to be doing so good and I feel like he just thinks I am overreacting. It hurts.

I try to go on with life but when I get out into public it is like I want to scream at people and say "How can you be happy, don't you know my precious child wants nothing to do with me and and I have no idea where she is." It seems I can only stay out for a little while and the pain gets so bad that I have to run and hide at home. I have been able to go to work and that has taken up my mind a little bit but by the end of the week it was getting harder and harder to even be there.

My friends and co-workers have been so supportive and everyone is trying to help. They have been a blessing to me because at times earlier in the week my mind was completely off of my pain. I am so thankful and feel so blessed to be able to work with them and to call them friends.

When you read this please do not be hurt by my words. They are not meant to make you feel bad, guilty or to hurt you. I have just got to get these thoughts out of my head in the hopes that it will help me start to heal. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to fall into this depression and I don't want to fall away from family and most of all from God and this is my last ditch effort to keep that from happening. Please know that I love you all dearly and I would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt you.

Father, please catch me. I am falling and falling hard. I am losing all strength and hope. I need you to hold me and reassure me that everything will be okay. That this event is not my doing. That I did not drive my daughter from my life. Oh God give me the strength and peace I need to hold on for another day, week, or however long she is going to be away.