The events of the past week have broken me so far down I feel as if I am falling and there is nothing to grasp onto. I am desperately trying to hold onto my Father but it seems as if I am slipping further and further away into the abyss. I know that God has everything in control. I know that he had this written even while she was in my womb. I know he is sovereign. I know He is with her and protecting her. But for some reason it is just not comforting me all the time. There for a while I would be able to function and rest in his peace for a little bit at a time but those times are getting less and less. I just don't understand. I haven't stopped praying and I haven't stopped believing so why am I falling.
I thought that if I just knew she was okay I would be able to go on. Then we heard she was okay but that didn't help. Then I thought if she just made contact with her dad that I would be okay but that didn't help. Then I thought if I heard her voice myself and she told me she was safe and okay that would help but that has seemed to make it worse. She told me she was fine and with someone safe but that she was not coming home. How can a child that you raised and poured you heart and soul into and loved more than you have ever loved anyone except for God and your husband just turn her back on you. The pain is completely unbearable. I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I sit and watch Greg and he seems to be doing so good and I feel like he just thinks I am overreacting. It hurts.
I try to go on with life but when I get out into public it is like I want to scream at people and say "How can you be happy, don't you know my precious child wants nothing to do with me and and I have no idea where she is." It seems I can only stay out for a little while and the pain gets so bad that I have to run and hide at home. I have been able to go to work and that has taken up my mind a little bit but by the end of the week it was getting harder and harder to even be there.
My friends and co-workers have been so supportive and everyone is trying to help. They have been a blessing to me because at times earlier in the week my mind was completely off of my pain. I am so thankful and feel so blessed to be able to work with them and to call them friends.
When you read this please do not be hurt by my words. They are not meant to make you feel bad, guilty or to hurt you. I have just got to get these thoughts out of my head in the hopes that it will help me start to heal. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to fall into this depression and I don't want to fall away from family and most of all from God and this is my last ditch effort to keep that from happening. Please know that I love you all dearly and I would never do or say anything to intentionally hurt you.
Father, please catch me. I am falling and falling hard. I am losing all strength and hope. I need you to hold me and reassure me that everything will be okay. That this event is not my doing. That I did not drive my daughter from my life. Oh God give me the strength and peace I need to hold on for another day, week, or however long she is going to be away.
